Breaking the Cycle: From Surviving to Healing

In 2022, I shared my story of surviving an emotionally abusive relationship. It was one of the hardest things I have ever written.

At the time, I was still carrying a great deal of pain. While I had left the relationship many years earlier, the effects of it were still woven through my life. I was struggling with anxiety, self-worth, confidence and the lingering belief that somehow I should have seen the warning signs sooner.

Since writing that article, something profound has shifted.

I have spent years doing the inner work.

I have sat with the grief. I have faced the trauma. I have explored healing through counselling, meditation, breathwork, sound healing, forgiveness practices and deep self-reflection. I have learned that healing is not about forgetting what happened. It is about reclaiming the parts of yourself that were lost along the way.

Today, I no longer see myself as a victim of my past.

I see myself as a woman who walked through fire and emerged stronger, wiser and more compassionate.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that people enter our lives for a reason. While I would never justify abusive behaviour, I can now acknowledge that this relationship became one of my soul's greatest teachers.

It taught me boundaries.

It taught me self-respect.

It taught me courage.

It taught me what love is not.

And ultimately, it taught me what love truly is.

For many years I carried anger, resentment and disappointment. I wanted answers. I wanted accountability. I wanted the person who caused so much pain to understand the impact of his actions.

Today, I no longer need those things.

Through forgiveness work, cord-cutting practices and the Hawaiian healing practice of Ho'oponopono, I have reached a place of acceptance. Not because what happened was okay, but because carrying the weight of it no longer serves me.

I genuinely wish him well.

I hope he finds healing.

I hope he finds peace.

And I hope he eventually chooses to do the inner work required to break the patterns that have caused so much suffering in his own life and the lives of those around him.

One of the greatest misconceptions about healing is that there comes a point where you are completely "healed" and never have to revisit the past again. My experience has been very different.

Healing is not a destination. It is an ongoing journey.

Over the years I have learned that healing often happens in layers. Just when I think I have worked through something, another layer reveals itself, asking to be seen, understood and released. What once felt overwhelming may now feel manageable, and what once triggered anger may now invite compassion.

Today, I feel far more at peace than I did years ago, but that doesn't mean I never feel sadness, grief or frustration. It simply means I have developed the tools, awareness and support to move through those emotions differently.

Healing isn't about becoming untouched by your past. It's about learning how to carry your story without letting it carry you.

The beautiful thing about healing is that it doesn't just transform us. It transforms future generations.

For years, one of my greatest fears was the impact this situation would have on my son.

Would he carry the same wounds?

Would he repeat the same patterns?

Would he struggle to trust others?

Today, I look at him and feel an overwhelming sense of pride.

He has grown into an incredible young man with a kind heart and deep compassion for others. He graduated high school among the top students in the country. More importantly, he has developed a strong sense of self and an understanding of what healthy relationships look like.

The cycle stopped with him.

That may be the achievement I am most proud of.

But as I look around today, I realise this story is not unique.

I know women who are still living this reality.

Women who have separated but continue to experience control through parenting arrangements, legal processes and communication apps designed specifically to facilitate co-parenting.

Women who continue to receive abusive messages because the relationship may have ended, but the need for control has not.

This does not just happen to women either, I have also witnessed men go through this too.

Many feel trapped because challenging the behaviour often requires thousands of dollars in legal fees, time, emotional energy and resources they simply don't have.

The truth is that domestic violence is not just physical violence.

It can be emotional.

It can be psychological.

It can be financial.

It can be coercive control.

And sometimes the scars left by those experiences remain long after the bruises would have healed.

So why does it continue?

Because many people never learn how to regulate their emotions.

They never learn how to sit with discomfort.

They never learn that they have a choice.

Pain that remains unhealed is often passed on.

Trauma that is not addressed often becomes someone else's trauma.

This isn't an excuse for abusive behaviour. It is simply an observation of what happens when people don't receive support, accountability or the tools needed to heal.

If I could offer one message to anyone caught in these patterns, it would be this:

You can break the cycle.

You are not doomed to repeat what was modelled to you.

Healing is possible.

Change is possible.

Growth is possible.

Whether that journey begins with therapy, counselling, breathwork, meditation, coaching or another healing modality and sometimes it is many, the important thing is taking the first step. If that all sounds too woo woo for you I'd recommend 9D Breathwork with Hope Cartel.

Not only for yourself.

But for your children.

Because children learn far more from what we model than what we say.

Today, I have a beautiful marriage built on mutual respect, kindness and unconditional love. I have completed my degree. My career has gone from strength to strength. I have built Soulhearth Retreats, creating spaces that support healing, connection and personal growth.

Looking back, I can see that the woman who wrote that article in 2022 was still carrying a great deal of pain.

The woman writing today is carrying something different:

More peace.

More self-compassion.

More understanding.

And the knowledge that healing is not a destination, but a lifelong journey of coming home to yourself.

And if my journey has taught me anything, it is this:

Healing does not erase the past.

It transforms your relationship with it.

The scars may remain, but they no longer define who you are.

And sometimes the greatest act of healing is simply deciding that the cycle ends with you.